My mom passed away recently. Last August. It was sudden. Unexpected. Not enough was said. There wasn't enough time. So much time was wasted.
Since her death I have had such emotion in my life. Most days I have immense joy and an overwhelming feeling of such gratefulness. Most days anyway. I have gratefulness that my mom and I were able to say some much needed things to each other. But still it was too soon. So fast. Too fast.
So many questions have come since August. One questions stands above the others. What will my legacy be? I guess that I don't know what it will be, but I do know what I want it to be. Just a few of the things I hope for my legacy are my marriage, kids, kindness, generosity, and in no particular order. The one common denominator in all of these, I believe, is love. I want to be remembered for loving people and putting action to that love.
My kiddos. I want to show my kids lots of love no matter what mistakes they make. When my boys were young I always said I would love them unconditionally. That's so easy to say when they are young, living in your house, and it's your rules. Wait until they are young adults and things don't go your way. Wait until they start living in a complete and polar opposite way that it makes you wonder if the babies were swapped at birth. No, really. That's when you learn it, the unconditional part of love. I have learned how to extend real unconditional love the last couple of years. I may not agree with my kiddos and the way they live life sometimes. I may be sad from time to time to learn about the mistakes my boys have made in life. But the one thing I will always do is love them completely. And a mom never, ever gives up on her kids. Not now, not ever. That, to me, is love.
I want to show love and support to my husband even when I don't "like" him. You know what I'm talking about. My husband and I have been together for well over twenty years. It's been since high school. Our senior year of high school actually. This year we are both going to be turning forty. If you know my husband you know one central thing about him. The man is funny. He makes me laugh. Every single day. Some of those days I don't deserve the effort he puts into bringing me to so much laughter. No, really. It's true. I am the opposite of Bobby. I'm very much about rules, structure, and just walking a straight line in life. I'm commonly referred to as a party pooper, and not just by my husband. Bobby is always late, rarely serious with me, and has almost no structure to his life at all. How we ended up still together so many years later I will never understand. We laugh and have so much fun together. He has loved and supported me through so many ups and downs. He has shown me real and unconditional love and taught me so much. So much about love.
I want to be a good friend. A good friend to people that aren't exactly like me. Why is it that so many women feel like they can only be friends with other women that are exactly like them? That use to be me and my circle of friends. Very matchy, matchy, if you know what I mean. I think I have such an amazing group of women in my life. Women I am so proud to call friend. I love the uniqueness of my friends. I love the beauty in my friends. They make me think. Think about myself and what kind of person I really am and they make me look at the way I treat people. My friends inspire me and make me want to be more like them. My girlfriends don't always agree with me. They don't always believe like me. They don't always live life like me. But when I need a friend and a different perspective I am so grateful for my friends. My friends lift me up when I am down, and sad. My friends show me love. They teach me about love and how to be a real friend.
I want to be remembered as a generous and kind person. Generous not just with my money, but generous with my time. And not just generous with my time to my family and friends. I want to not rush through this one life I have. I want to take the time to notice. Notice the people that are in need. And not just the immediate people in my life but the single mom at the grocery store that could use some help, the senior citizen that could use some assistance pumping gas. It's so easy to get caught up in the craziness of this one single life we have and not notice the people around us. I want to notice. I want to love on those people. Sometimes a smile or a kind word to a stranger can change a day. I want that. I strive for that. I pray for that.
For years before my mom passed, things were strained between us. It wasn't all on her. And it wasn't all on me. The blame simply lies with both of us. We blew it. We wasted time and energy on such petty things. I buried my mom when I was 38 years old. That shouldn't have happened. I have spent too much time and energy on so much silliness. That's not how I want this one life to be remembered. I have this one life. And I don't intend on wasting it.
Be blessed,
J
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